Week 3 - Anxiety

I don't consider myself to be a quitter. Quitters don't see things to the end and that means that there is no chance for success for whatever it was he/she set out to do in the first place. Quitters seem to think that there is always a path of lesser resistance that would take him/her to a comparable if not a better ends. Art Center has really begun to test my will power and my resilience.

There is of course a path of lesser resistance than Art Center. Art Center is the best in the business for many reasons including, but not limited to its curriculum, its instructors and the talented students who attend.

I've been frank with my blogs and will continue to be frank in all future blogs. (Frank? I thought I was Gabe... *rimshot*) Thoughts of quitting Art Center in search for a path of lesser resistance has crept into my head. I thought to myself, "Why am I putting myself through the wringer again? Is it worth my while to get a second bachelor's when I already have one from a very respectable university? What do I do about finances - I only got so much from loans and my poor old parents are paying the rest of it."

Every email or letter that I get that has to do with bills gets me thinking a little bit more. I know how much I have in my checking account. Take that number and divide that by the sum of my monthly bills and I have a fairly good idea of how many more months I have to live before my account zeroes out. That, my friends, is a stark yet sobering reality.

I thought to myself that when I was in the construction project management industry, each biweekly paycheck afforded me comforts, latitude and the ability to choose how and what to spend my money on. I was able to compartmentalize work life from home life. I left my work on the desk in my cube and whenever I decided to leave, that was it, I'd deal with it in the morning.

Art Center works you into the ground - everybody knows this. I struggled with having to go to class, come home and having to stay up late working on homework 'til the wee hours of the morning before I'd finally have to pull the plug and get some sleep. I'm well aware that sleep has become a luxury for many an Art Center student, but I'm afraid that I can't operate that way, especially since I have 2.5 hours on the road sandwiching my classes.

It's only week 3 and it's only going to get harder. What I found is that I'm still treading water with the workload but I'm beginning to look for paths of lesser resistance. I'm weighing all these factors - the work, the time, the cost, the alternatives - and I'm at crossroads between forging ahead or making a left or a right in order to lead a different life.

What are my alternatives if not Art Center? It's not like I can go back to construction immediately and find a job; the industry is still currently struggling due to the economy. So where to?

This may seem like a very harebrained idea, but I thought about going back to Hollister and applying for their Manager In Training position. My coworkers and managers noticed my work ethic and knew that I already had my bachelors, so they'd ask me, "Why didn't you apply for the Manager In Training position?" I'd only make a fraction of what I did before, but it'd still be a 5 figure sum. It would have nothing to do with my schooling or my interests, but it'd pay the bills and there'd be plenty of room for advancement. I'd be able to use a lot less of my parents' money and regain some semblance of self sufficiency.

Last Wednesday night was when it all came crashing down. I was churning out my 20 pages of sketches and realizing that I still had 8 pages of research boards to do and 1 foamcore model to build, and it was already 1AM. On top of that, I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. (My fellow Art Center schoolmates right now are reading this and saying "yeah... at least you're getting some sleep, you lucky bastard...") I called up my parents at 1AM my time, 4 AM theirs (poor Mom and Dad!) and I shared everything with them. They empathized with my struggles, especially my dad who managed to get his Ph.D while raising a family of 4. They also encouraged me to keep fighting especially since they felt that I had talent.

Two other events started to right the ship again for me Thursday. I managed to finish my research boards and attended my afternoon class with Mr. Lim. During my presentation, Mr. Lim didn't actually draw a whole lot on my research boards and only made a few minor notes. I could tell that I was on the right path. As simple as that sounds, it still sparked the desire in me to forge on and not give up.

After class, a few of us stayed after class and really shared our thoughts regarding Art Center and how we felt about it thus far. Surprisingly, there were other students that were just as downtrodden as I was, but on the other end of the spectrum, there were kids who absolutely loved that they were being worked to death at the most prestigious car design school in the world.

The testimonial that spoke to me the most was from one classmate in particular. He was also a believer in Christ and I now firmly believe that his words were not just his, but God used him to speak to me. Basically he said that his situation was very very similar to mine. He struggled with not being able to see friends and family as well as the financial burdens of being a student. He realized though, that God put him at Art Center for a reason.

Last night, when I got home, I wolfed down my Panda Express and just played guitar for a while before going to bed. I tried not to think about Art Center at all and just let my mind wander for a while. I called it a night at around 1AM and just slept the best sleep I had in a few days.

This morning, I woke up with an oddly renewed outlook on my career at Art Center.

I'm going to give this another go, this time with even better time management and a recentered focus fixed on making it through.